Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
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How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
everyone’s a critic
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.