The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
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HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob