I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
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Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.