i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
You Might Also Like
#Caturday
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time