I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
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earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
birds and squirrels envy us
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?