I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
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me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
i love modern commerce
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa