Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
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*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
PLOT TWIST:
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….