how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
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Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream