WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
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plant them where lol
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
iPhone X
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.