Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
You Might Also Like
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?