There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
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Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.