Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
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Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
They’re the worst 😩
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.