AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
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Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
become ungovernable
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.