Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
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My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
me working on my assignments ^-^
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”