My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
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[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Buying a well is money well spent.
no such thing as a dumb question
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.