“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
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I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
adding to the discourse
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!