welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
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What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Best seat on the street 😍
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.