At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
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Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
What the dentist sees
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…