*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
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WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams