who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
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Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
A French press is when you hug naked
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Möther may I have a snäck
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
This checks out
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?