I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
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My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job