Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
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HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
My patronus is a cheeseburger
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
mentally somewhere in italy
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely