*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
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Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.