For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
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A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
bought wrong eggs
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia