A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
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God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?