#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
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I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
he’s doing your taxes
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.