Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
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Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.