My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
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My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.