I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
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“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?