“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
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I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Google Pay be like:
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I am all good here, 😂😉
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?