Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
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Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo