My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
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Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”