all bases covered
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Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.