self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
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Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦