Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
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Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.