My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
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*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?