The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
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netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were