Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
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tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.