“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
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Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.