Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
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“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.