My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
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Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
what does he know…
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Day 2 of my diet
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags