Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
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My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.