9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
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Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings