oh good, now I can stop drinking
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I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me: