Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
You Might Also Like
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub