I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
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MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.