*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
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Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My life in a nutshell
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.