While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
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this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*