A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
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Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
lol
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.