Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
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asked my bf how work was today
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
i- i did not expect this
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Trumpy Cat
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”